Shepard, Go the Fuck to Sleep:
The varren nestle close to their cubs now.
The Elcor have laid down in their keep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, Shep dear.
Please…Go the fuck to sleep.
The windowless Geth ship is dark, child.
The Krogan sleep down in the deep.
I’ll clean every last one of your toy ships if you swear—-
You’ll go the fuck to sleep.
The ships that soar through the sky are at rest
And the rachni who crawl, run and creep.
I know you’re not horny. That’s bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, Shepard, and sleep.
The wind whispers soft through the ship, Shep.
The crew, they make not a peep.
It’s been thirty-eight motherfucking minutes already.
Goddamn, Shepard—-what the fuck? Go to sleep.
All the soldiers on base are in dreamland.
The troopers have made their last leap.
Hell no, we can’t go to a strip club, Shep.
You know where you can go? THE FUCK TO SLEEP.
The harvesters fly forth from the swamplands.
Through the air, they throw shit and reap.
A bitch fit is filling my fist, Commander.
Please, fucking shut up and sleep.
The thresher maw is sleeping and snoring.
Wrapped all in this…big nasty heap.
How can you do all this other crazy shit—-
But you can’t just lie the fuck down and sleep?
The weapons are all in the armory, now
And the shit you never let me keep.
No more fondling, damn it—-this kink shit is over—-
I’ve got two words for you Shepard: fucking SLEEP.
The Salarians recline in their labs and coats.
Legion has finished his security sweep.
Fuck your stuffed Kaidan ass, I’m not getting you shit—-
Close your eyes. Cut the shit. Sleep.
The Reapers are fucking shit up
And Earth’s just a big garbage heap.
My life is a failure, I’m not your damn ‘Gare-bear’—-
Stop touching me there!—-Go to sleep.
Your fish are all staring at us.
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, I’ll bring you some scotch—-
Who the fuck cares? You’re not gonna sleep.
This room is all I can remember.
Your clothes are all tacky and cheap.
You win. Go ahead. I’ll turn off my visor.
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep.
Purring and twitching I wake my ass up
To find your eyes shut, so I keep—-
My talons crossed tight as I get the Hell away,
And pray that you’re dead or asleep.
I’m finally looking at Fornax.
Calibrations are looking just fine. Beep.
Oh Fuck. Holy Shit. You’ve got to be kidding.
COMMANDER, GO THE FUCK BACK TO SLEEP!!!